Barbecue Fail

I have issued myself the completely unofficial title of "Grillmaster." I see this as not a championship, as in "I am the greatest griller on the planet;" but rather as an indicator of expertise, kind of like a Grandmaster in Chess, or Black Belt in Karate, or American Idol in ruining music.

I've grilled many things on my gas grill, from steak, pork, burgers and dogs to Corn on the Cob, Jalapeno poppers, zucchini and peppers. I own the "Barbecue Bible" by Steven Raichlen. I've watched nearly every episode of Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri. I've given parties where I've grilled several things, most recently grilled pizza, which was supposed to be on a pizza stone, but for the phenomenal heat that destroyed the stone, thus crowning me king of all England. We switched up to pizzas directly on the grill which were PHENOMENAL, and when we ran out of dough, we moved on to quesadilla-type pizzas. I was unstoppable, I tell ya!

My only Kryptonite, I must say, is true Barbecuing. Low and slow with wood smoke and lots of time on task has always eluded me. I have tried it on 3 occasions. The first time went pretty well. It was a fathers day when my Father-in-law was still alive. I got beef short ribs, rubbed them down with some spices, salt and sugar, and set up his gas grill with a smoker box. Now, Manny's grill is ok, but it's not great. He had it hooked up to the house's gas line rather than propane, and as a result I've had a problem with getting a tremendous amount of heat from it. This worked to my advantage with the low and slow method. Another problem with that batch was the spices. I didn't rub them off. So, every bite knocked you off your chair with hot peppers. I cut off the edges to serve to my daughters because it was just too spicy.

Second attempt was in my own back yard. I tried a Brisket. Rubbed it down, washed off the spice before smoking, and threw it on my grill with a smoker box loaded with applewood. Now, in the Steven Raichlen book, it answers the hypothetical question of how do you smoke meat on a gas grill. His answer is, "You don't." The vents on the back of the grill make it nearly impossible to keep the smoke on the food. This TOTALLY happened to me. The low temperature cooked the meat slowly, and it was good, but it lacked that smokiness I was looking for.

So yesterday, I tried again. I creatively laid down some foil to block the vents, set up some ribs, and gave it a shot. After the three attempts, I learns a few things:

a) Devote 6 full hours to your barbecue. If you can't grill it of braise it instead. 3 hours at 300 is NOT the same texture or yumminess as the fall off the bone 6 hours at 250.

2) TAKE OFF THE RUB. I used a very peppery rub, and although it flavored the meat brilliantly, we couldn't enjoy it, because of the hit of spice that destroys your palate with each bite.

and d) Invest in a charcoal smoker. Otherwise, find a way around the venting issue. I long to someday taste the beautiful smokey flavor of real barbecue.