What hill? I didn't see any hill!

Courtesy of my blog: http://cjferrara.blogspot.com/

It's 1:30 am on July 6, 2010. At 2:43pm this afternoon, I officially finish my 40th year of existence on this earth. Turning 40. It's supposed to be a monumental milestone. I guess I never choose to do that: focus on the milestones. Turning 30 wasn't such a big deal. Neither was 20.

I actually have no memory whatsoever of turning 10. I remember receiving my first penance at 13, and my father equating that with a Bar Mitzvah, had I been Jewish. It meant I was now a man. 16 would have been my first major milestone. I only remember the legality of FINALLY being able to drive. I also remember my first accident. Pulling out of my driveway on the way to a Poison/Tesla concert. I forgot to look, and BAM, got hit by a car driving down the street. That concert, which my parents ended up driving me too, was great. I recall Tesla cursing up a storm, and Jones Beach Theater smelling like pot.

21? I remember celebrating by proudly going to the local beverage store and buying my parents some beer. I went in preparing myself for the event. They would ask me for ID, rather snarkily, as if they were about to bust me for underage drinking. Except, I would pull out my license and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was now 21 and legal! I walked in... They didn't even ask. I got my beer, and walked out. Oh well, I don't drink anyway.

30? I had been married for a year, was on my third full time teaching job, and praying not to get fired. I was enjoying the first summer where I DIDN'T have to look for work. I guess THAT was a milestone in and of itself.
Now I'm 40. I'm in a very different place than I was 10 years ago. I'm a homeowner, even though it's a part of a house. I have 2 amazing children. And I made many changes in my outlook on life and philosophy which I guess have made changes in my marriage and career, as well. 28-year-old me was fighting for his life in Roosevelt, which led to 29-year-old me's major attitude. 30-year-old me had changed gears and began compromising in order to keep his job; which caused more problems than it created. Since then I lost, meaning was fired from, 2 more jobs; neither of which had anything to do with merit; and received tenure in my current position. And since then, I had a breakthrough in therapy, I returned to my religion, achieved success as a choral director, and I first heard Benjamin Zander speak. Between B.Z. and good ol' J.C., I started to look at the world with a different attitude. The whole wisdom thing kicked in.

I guess I live in the moment a bit more than I used to. The future, and the politics of everything were my major focus back then. Fighting for people's respect. Where will I be in 10 years? Where is this relationship going? When will people finally notice how brilliant I am? I used to be out to prove something. Out to prove that the people who told me my whole life that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, and that people didn't like me were wrong. My big breakthrough in therapy? Realizing that they WERE wrong, and I don't need to prove it. I had to stop showing everyone how good I was, and start focusing on being good.

Now, I enjoy my family. I enjoy day to day living. I enjoy cooking and maintaining the house. And I'm enjoying the success my career has taken. I get paid to make music, which I love. What better life could anyone ask? I still stress out from time to time, but overall, I realize that it's all invented anyway, so why not invent a pleasant life?

So, no, I'm not stressing out about turning 40. I feel exactly one day older than yesterday. I still rock, in fact in many ways, I rock better than I did 10 years ago, because I've grown as a musician since then. I understand Billy Joel's songs better than I used to, because I'm approaching the age he was when he wrote them. "I believe I've passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage. I found that just surviving is a noble fight. I once believed in causes, too. I had my pointless point of view. And life went on, no matter who was wrong or right."

I'm about 15 years from retirement, when I plan to be the elder statesman that can bestow wisdom onto the next generation. In fact, the only thing that that can make me feel like I'm "over the hill" would be something medical hitting me, which, knock wood, will be far from now.

On Saturday, we're planning a big party to be shared with my daughter. I'm getting together with friends. Those of us who are musicians will be jamming on the greatest hits from the year I was born, 1970. Then I'll watch my kids jam on Beatles Rock Band, and enjoy the company of my family and friends. Then, the next day, I'll help my grandfather celebrate 90 years of life, and thank God longevity runs in my family.

After that, I'll continue living a pretty damn good life.